Every once in a while, an old friend's name pops into my head, and I go on a little facebook hunt. Usually I am totally and completely unsuccessful, but tonight, I actually found the person I was thinking of. I of course checked out the pictures to make sure it was the right person. She has a beautiful baby boy. Earlier, I was thinking about a few people I know who have kids who really just don't need to be parents. It's heartbreaking to say that I know a few people like this. I'm not being judgmental, these two mothers on my mind at the moment are honestly just terrible parents. It's 2 AM, so things are starting to really hurt, which is just something that doesn't even really faze me anymore. I have given up trying to go to bed at a reasonable time, and I have also decided that I will not be taking any more pain meds. A week was plenty. Which of course leaves me putting the two things together. I am sitting here in pain, unable to sleep, with six holes in my stomach, which may or may not make it possible to have another child. I think that the official odds are like 78% chance of getting pregnant within six months, which is admittedly pretty good, but still leaves a 22% chance of being miserable for no result.
There are moments on this journey that I wonder if what I am doing is just incredibly selfish. Another option to this would have been a hysterectomy. That would have effectively gotten ridden of the constant pain, and not ovulating wouldn't really be an issue if I didn't have ovaries. I mean, I already have a wonderful, amazing little girl, is it ridiculous of me to want another. Should I just be happy with what I have? Then of course back to the whole women who have kids who don't deserve kids issue. It's just not right that people like this can bring babies into the world. Here I am, wanting it so bad, and willing to do almost anything, and just, can't get pregnant. The world just isn't fair. But, I am an adult, I can't complain about what is fair and what isn't.
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